Tormented Story, Released Spirit!

Note to Rachel Gunn:

I took the time to place your narrative in a correct form, and closely read your story. There is a profound shift in perspective you traveled through to become and hold a perspective this honest. There is a lot felt in my Being from you to me. You trick all who were, and are taken by how you present yourself, but I had mastered a trick my parents taught me, and looked for a revelation.

We all ache to tell our stories. Yours requires attention to detail an aroused man cannot grasp with clarity... There is a lot in your story, and out of habit I will study your words. Maybe, I will share what else I have learned from you. - Gregory E. Woods, Keeper of Stories (9/30/18)

Rachel Gunn over the decades... has a story to tell.

Story of Rachel Gunn:

OK, It's been a few weeks since I vented so here I go. Not that anyone is going to read this long ass shit. I posted the center pic on Instagram today which is a modeling picture when I was around 35 years old. So a guy commented on the pic what he thought was a compliment which said Wow, you must be 20 years old there. So beautiful". 

Maybe he thought it was a compliment, but to a 43 year old woman as myself it's not, because instantly it saddened & angered me. It's essentially saying that "Wow, I looked so good when I was younger, but I'm not 20......I'm 43". The reality of it is that in the middle picture I was around 35 and it is a modeling pic so yeah, it was probably airbrushed. The picture on the far left. That is really what I looked like in my twenties when I was 25. Yes, I looked really different. I was an ugly duckling & bullied & teased for the way I looked. The picture in the middle is 35, and the picture on the far right is from a few weeks ago, the age I am now, age 43, no airbrushing. I don't airbrush my selfies. This is me. 

I put a lot of work and time and money into trying to improve myself. I have jogged thousands and thousands of miles over the years, spent thousands and thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, eat well, try to live a healthy lifestyle.. basically doing all I can to try to maintain what I have & to improve myself. It saddens & disgusts me that this society, especially this country celebrates youth so wholeheartedly & makes getting older, especially in women, seem like something to be ashamed of. You don't know how many times I've been made to feel bad for the age I am, for getting older, how many times I've been insulted because of my age, how many times I've been made to feel like I shouldn't be able to do the things I want to do because I am too old, the opportunities & doors that close because of my age. 

Why in other countries is aging celebrated and the elders respected while here women are made to feel like they are washed up and should just pretty much die already. Not everyone has the opportunity to grow older, unfortunately; so shouldn't aging be something to be thankful for? 

For the past 20 years I've been on this endless quest for perfection trying to attain these unrealistic beauty standards just so I'll maybe, for once, think I'll be at peace with myself, & then I'm reminded again that: "No, I'm not 20, that I'm getting older and that eventually the heads will stop turning & nobody will notice me anymore." That is something I have to come to peace with. Our faces, our bodies, our outsides all eventually deteriorate no matter how hard we try to fight it; but our insides, our soul, our spirit, that is what remains infinite & lives on into eternity. It would be nice if this world wasn't so shallow, if more people could look beyond the outer shell into what lays beneath, but realistically that is not how it is. Therefore, not only myself, but many women & men will ride on this endless roller coaster to attain the ideal embodiment of perfection. Honestly, as much as the insults hurt regarding my age, I wouldn't want to be 20 years old again. I have fought so hard to be who I am today. 

I hold wisdom my 20 year old self knew nothing about & my legacy will not be the mask I show to the world, what you see on Facebook, but my beautiful children, these special beings I created who I love more than anything & am so proud of; the connections I've made over the years, people I've made feel better: my spiritual being. That is real life, not bodies & faces & beauty, & the sexuality that society abuses & I myself bought into. So try to remember to honor & respect the fact that we all do age & to realize that getting older doesn't have to be a bad thing, but a beautiful thing to be applauded. I'm not just going to sit in my room & curl up into a ball & rot away because I'm 43 years old. 

Sorry. Everyone is unique & beautiful in their own way, despite weight, looks, age, sexual orientation, etc. So next time you insult someone because of their age or looks or only hold those you think are physically beautiful in high regard, remember you are not only hurting the other person but yourself; for you are missing out on the true meaning of what life is & that is having heart & seeing others for what is on the inside. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, and could see myself how I see others, but I can't. I will lose my looks, but I will never lose my heart, that will never perish. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that. Then maybe one day, maybe I'll be at peace. Yeah, it's cheesy. So what. lol. 

Sara Gunn 

March 23, 2018

Rachel Gunn, as a nun, in a photo shoot with D.W. Enterprise Images, LLC. 

photographer Wade Edwards, in St. Louis. April 24, 2018.

We are all intrigued by Nuns, who have taken sacred vows, who are seeped in dark secrets contrary to their vows. All the questions we have are answered by what we deny being cognizant of... Sometimes, we are our own lies... - Gregory E. Woods, Keeper of Stories 9/30/18