SURRENDER TO BE FREE

PART II: LESSONS FOR MR. CROW

OK, so now comes Part II…much more challenging for me to share this with all my relations. In doing so I live some of the principles of Sun Dance Way and the 12-Steps of AA (most of you already know I am a grateful alcoholic/addict with more than 28 years of wellness). This summer I sensed it was time for me to no longer pierce in order to dance and/or pray. So I decided …no more… to myself, my wife and Creator. I might pull skulls, but no more holes up front where scar tissue abounds. It‘s kinda fun listening to piercers trying to find a virgin square inch of flesh. You might ask why? After all isn't my body the only thing I really own, the most precious thing I have to offer Creator? Yes that is true. The spirits told me at the Chief Moon Sun Dance in early July, however, that I had honored how committed and sincere my prayers are to Creator. The spirits said that I no longer needed to use the form of giving flesh. They said I understood that the substance or essence is beyond physical reality…it lies in the realm of spirit. I had given enough flesh, I could do other things to make strong prayers and show gratitude to Great Mystery. Further, these same spirits told me after this last piercing to dance off my rope with love not anger.

A little back-story is appropriate here. My first time as an Eagle or Warrior Dancer began in 1995 at Dance For Life (in Goldendale that first year of DFL). I hadn’t pierced before and did not know what to expect when it was time to break…in fact I was scared. By the 4th day I had already seen men bungee-cord-bounce and struggle to break. I heard that if you did not break clean the following year would be hard and full of misfortune. While I did not believe that, it put more fear into my head. Finally the last round of the fourth day came. Just this round and then an exit round to a quick lodge and then to food and water at last! All of the Eagle dancers were to go 3 times to the tree and on the 4th come back and break. I was moving as fast as I could backward and pop, wow much pain but still attached to the tree…oh no what will happen to me know? I tried again with the same result. Then a helper, Dream Seeker, came over and said, “we will help you.”

“No, I cried, I’ll have a bad year.”

He laughed and told me there were many superstitions around Sun Dance ceremony. For Dream Seeker, asking for help from your brothers is a sign of courage and humility…consistent with AA principles and as I believe integral to living the way of Sun Dance. He and Bruce held me by the arms and pulled off my rope…kind of like going for a touchdown in football. With a little help from my friends I had made it…now I was to turn around and get back in line! Suddenly I was aware that my umbilical cord was gone…I felt deep sadness even though I knew water and food were at hand. After that dance I bounced many times, even had to be pulled off the rope when I hung from the tree, and never ever thought about pulling skulls (how that began is another story).

I came to acceptance of being pulled off my rope…acceptance of things I cannot change is powerful medicine. Then at Durwin White Lightning’s dance (Takilma, 1997) I watched him pierce, pray for a while and then dance off his rope. Wow, maybe I could do that an avoid bouncing? The next dance I participated in was the first Chief Moon Piercing Sun Dance (1998) on the Blood Reserve in Alberta. Here I witnessed another different way to break. Jordan Chief Moon simply walked back the 4th time in a dignified manner, held the knot where his harness began, pulled back and released the knot… and pop, he was off. When I was hooked up to the center pole, I tried some dancing-off moves. Maybe pop just one side…nope, not that easy. On the last day when it was time to break I held a picture of myself doing as I had seen…pop, it worked!

I did the graceful walk…knot hold…pop at the next few dances. Then one time honoring someone else’s rope (just another part of being a helper) I felt anger. Not that I had to suffer, but because some wanted to shame this man. I felt he had shown courage to say “enough, I’m finished, I've done my best,” and left his rope on the tree. Using this focused anger I danced off quite easily. A new approach to breaking was mine and I used it every time until 2013 and once again at the Chief Moon Sun Dance. Not only was this to be my last pierce, I was told by the spirits not to use anger. Since I do my best to listen to and not challenge spirits, as I danced in the northeast of the arbor (the same location I first danced in) I thought of how much I love sun dance, to be connected with the Medicine Pole, feeling the flow of medicine down my rope (which is why I keep it taut so no medicine drips off), to be able to close my eyes, lean back, pass through the veil and go into the unseen world - and almost without thought the rope released me…the end of an era for me.

Now, back to Spirit of the Wind Sun Dance. In a lodge one of my (I do my best to treat each dancer with the same parental love as I do my Chanunpa, hence the possessive “my”) dancers talked about how for him piercing would be from his ego, his ego felt he SHOULD do it …perhaps not a good reason to pierce. I heard, acknowledged and honored what he has shared, feeling that this is something I need to heed. Yet when the tree was being painted, fed and then dressed with prayer ties, robes and ropes, I wanted to put a rope on Her. Ah, the spirits work in mysterious ways indeed. Doc was hanging a rope for the Veterans round; it was 100 feet long so we cut it in two. I just sauntered up to the tree and calmly tied the rope on. Oh, not for me, one of the veterans or drummers will need a rope…I’m just being a thoughtful helper… denial is a powerful disease indeed.

On the second day of dance after the long break I got painted for the piercing round. Once on my rope I felt the joy of being connected to the tree connecting Mother Earth to Father Sky, the Star nation…all above and below…the universe. Then I began to do my usual moves to dance off the rope…feeling a deep abiding love for this way to pray. Alas, as hard as I pulled on one side I felt no sense of breaking free….hmmm same results on the other side. At times I pulled hard enough to make the tree dance to-and-fro with me, Her top swaying several feet. Silently I appealed to her, “It’s beautiful to dance with you, but come on, the round is almost over.”

She said, “I’m not letting you go. Why are you here, was it a strong prayer or just a whim of Mr. Ego? Further, you shared with others your plan to not pierce, but that left you no room to live in the moment like you did by pulling skulls at the Chief Moon Sun Dance this year.”

At that ceremony one of the dancers had been hurt while getting the tree. When we were in the arbor some of the men were concerned about what was going to happen now. I suggested we send strong prayers for his health. I was guided to pull skulls for him although I had not intended to pull…I was free to act in the moment.

I told the helpers I needed to stay with the tree and go ahead and finish the round. After the arbor was empty, I sensed I needed to make amends to the Medicine Pole…I was connected to Her under false pretenses. I went over to Her, touched Her and felt I needed to do something I almost never do, get on my knees and pray. That was humbling and I felt a great sense of release. I asked how could I make amends for my mistake? She asked me to recall my first time piercing…I need to ask my brothers for help. When the prayer round began, I told the helpers that I would break at the end of the round with their help. The 2 men who would stand next to me I have danced with dozens of times and the third who would stand behind me completed his four years when I was a helper and had been one who pierced me. Before the time to break came, I tried one more time to break…”no”, I heard Her say…you must surrender to be free. How many times as a dancer did you need to get to that place of acceptance that you cannot so it alone, ask the spirits for help and then complete your dance?” With a vigorous yank I was free. One of the men who pierced me said he was trying to give me a pierce that would allow me to easily dance off my rope. For those who don’t know or believe it, this supports my belief that the spirits guide the piercer’s hands. Here several weeks later the scabs have just come off and the piercings are still very tender…just to make sure I learned my lesson. I think I did!

I told the other helpers I needed to stay with the tree…finish the round I’ll break during next one. After the arbor was empty, I sensed I wanted to make amends to the Medicine Pole since I connected to Her on a whim. I went over to Her, touched Her and felt I needed to do something I almost never do: get on my knees and pray for HELP! That was humbling; I felt a powerful sense of release and forgiveness. I asked how could I make amends for my mistake?

She asked me to remember my first time piercing…I needed to ask my brothers for help. When the prayer round began, I told the helpers that I would break at the end of the round with their help. I have danced with Red Tail (my piercer), and Jim Eagle had picked me up and gone for a touchdown dozens of times. I asked Josh to stand behind to hold space. I was a helper as he had completed his four-year commitment, and he was the other who had pierced me this time. Before the time to break came I tried one more time to break on my own.

”No”, She said…”you must surrender to be free…give up to win. How many times as a dancer did you get to acceptance that you cannot do it alone, then ask the spirits for help and complete your dance? You completed 9 Eagle/Warrior dance commitments going through the same process each time.”

I was pulled hard and the vigorous yank they gave me set me free. One of the men who pierced me said he was trying to give me a pierce that would allow me to easily dance off my rope. For those who don’t know or believe it, this supports my belief that the spirits guide the piercer’s hands. Sun Dance contains much mystery.

Here several weeks later the scabs have just come off yet the piercings are still very tender… perhaps just to make sure I learned my lessons? What were they you might ask? I want to do my best to be impeccable with my words. There is no reason I need to share what I am gong to do in the arbor or elsewhere…expectations can be premeditated resentments. Another thing is to beware of making commitments. They are like telling the universe/Creator I know the future…some say making plans is how to make God laugh! Asking for help is a courageous act of strength, not pitiful weakness…glad to have this one reinforced. Finally, I want to do my best to live in the moment… future tripping holds little or no value. I think I have learned these lessons…I’ll let ya’ll know as time goes on. -told by James D Schumacher